Strange social issue?
I have been bullied several times in the past and have made me doubtful of people's sincerety and deserving of my trust. In the past, I was truly nice to everyone and considered everyone else's feelings above my own. What I got in return was being bullied. In recent years, I have taken an aggressive role in life, being argumentative, verbally and physically agressive, in an effort to show people I am not be messed with. The first year I did this, I did seem to get some respect, much bullying stopped, and I felt good about life. The second year, despite standing up for myself I was continued to be bullied by a number of particular people. I have read books about how you can get people to like you, and all of them say you should never hurt people or bring down their self-worth, but do those who have given me grief consider this before attacking me? I feel in life it's always MY job to do the apologizing first in arguments, as the other side never considers my feelings. Help, I'm confused
Answer:
You need to differentiate between passivity (letting people walk all over you, an excessive need for approval, always apologizing first or giving in no matter what) vs. aggressiveness (which you tried, but found didn't "work" in all situations) vs. assertiveness (the middle ground).
Assertiveness means standing up for yourself, but in a calm and respectful manner, and also expressing anger appropriately. It also means respecting yourself, respecting others and negotiating appropriately. Many people learn self-respect and strength through martial arts training.
Certain people, however, are "toxic" and they will never respond to you appropriately. You will never be liked or respected by everyone - it just doesn't happen. And it is a futile goal to "try to get people to like you." The most important thing is to respect yourself - develop goals and values and try to live these out as much as possible.
However, when dealing with toxic people, sometimes you just have to walk away. There is nothing to prevent you from just walking out of the room and refusing to deal with someone who aggravates you or pushes your buttons.
Most people are out for their own advantage. Give people a little bit of a break, but once they have showed complete disrespect for you put them on per-ma ignore. Displays of hostility every time they talk towards you should be displayed.
The thing is, you can't force people to like you. It seems like you keep hanging around and being overly nice and people are bullying you to make you go away. Try and find some friends of your own with a simillar personality as you. Stop trying to get people to like you.
Stand your ground and stay in control of the issue whenever possible. If someone is getting abusive toward you in conversation, make the choice to end the conversation. Hang up the phone, walk away, or take control of the conversation. Say things like, 'I understand you feel things should be done this way, because X happened and you feel 'Y' about it, but I'm going to do it the way I'm doing it, because of (whatever reason) and that's how I feel about it. We can talk again when you have something else to share with me.'
As a personal rule, I give everyone a "freebie". That is, they can cross me in a major way and I will forgive them. (That's not saying I'll keep going out with someone who cheated on me... I'll forgive him, but he'll no longer be my boyfriend) Everyone has an off day, as do I, so that's what I chalk it up to. After that, they do it again, I have a serious conversation with them. If it happens a third time, I will invoke consequences to their actions.
Bottom line is nobody can make you do something you are not willing to do. If you're being bullied at work, there are many routes to go to rectify it. If you're being bullied at home, don't take it. Set rules, get a divorce, don't associate with family members that treat you that way until they can learn to treat you with some respect.
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Answer:
You need to differentiate between passivity (letting people walk all over you, an excessive need for approval, always apologizing first or giving in no matter what) vs. aggressiveness (which you tried, but found didn't "work" in all situations) vs. assertiveness (the middle ground).
Assertiveness means standing up for yourself, but in a calm and respectful manner, and also expressing anger appropriately. It also means respecting yourself, respecting others and negotiating appropriately. Many people learn self-respect and strength through martial arts training.
Certain people, however, are "toxic" and they will never respond to you appropriately. You will never be liked or respected by everyone - it just doesn't happen. And it is a futile goal to "try to get people to like you." The most important thing is to respect yourself - develop goals and values and try to live these out as much as possible.
However, when dealing with toxic people, sometimes you just have to walk away. There is nothing to prevent you from just walking out of the room and refusing to deal with someone who aggravates you or pushes your buttons.
Most people are out for their own advantage. Give people a little bit of a break, but once they have showed complete disrespect for you put them on per-ma ignore. Displays of hostility every time they talk towards you should be displayed.
The thing is, you can't force people to like you. It seems like you keep hanging around and being overly nice and people are bullying you to make you go away. Try and find some friends of your own with a simillar personality as you. Stop trying to get people to like you.
Stand your ground and stay in control of the issue whenever possible. If someone is getting abusive toward you in conversation, make the choice to end the conversation. Hang up the phone, walk away, or take control of the conversation. Say things like, 'I understand you feel things should be done this way, because X happened and you feel 'Y' about it, but I'm going to do it the way I'm doing it, because of (whatever reason) and that's how I feel about it. We can talk again when you have something else to share with me.'
As a personal rule, I give everyone a "freebie". That is, they can cross me in a major way and I will forgive them. (That's not saying I'll keep going out with someone who cheated on me... I'll forgive him, but he'll no longer be my boyfriend) Everyone has an off day, as do I, so that's what I chalk it up to. After that, they do it again, I have a serious conversation with them. If it happens a third time, I will invoke consequences to their actions.
Bottom line is nobody can make you do something you are not willing to do. If you're being bullied at work, there are many routes to go to rectify it. If you're being bullied at home, don't take it. Set rules, get a divorce, don't associate with family members that treat you that way until they can learn to treat you with some respect.
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