People say I blame others for my inadequacy. What does this mean? As opposed to what? As opposed to blaming?
Answer:
Hey Tom,
Ok well to start with, the fact that you have had so many girlfriends/one night stands says that its not them, maybe its you. It is hard to beleive that out of 60 women (is that how many you said in your last question?) none of them were nice enough to start a good relationship with. I dont think this is about blame though here is what I think.
Your too scared to get close to people because your scared you will be disappointed again. Just like your father disappoints you and your mother and brother, you are worried that you will get hurt. So ultimately, you put up this subconscious wall, a blockade in order to protect yourself from harms way. Thing is its protecting you from good things as well as bad things. If you never take the risk, you never know, if you never risk your feeling, heart and soul you never experience love and happiness. Its like it gets shut out with that bad and never gets tried because your scared it wil end bad... if that makes sense.
What people mean when they say you blame others for your inadequecies is that, you are so obsessed with the bad, the bad things, the bad feelings, the bad thoughts, your not allowing any good ones in. If you sit there all day thinking, acting and saying, "my life is no good, my parents dont love, my family used me" then this is how you fell feel, no good, unloved and used.
You didnt bring this situation about but you did let it stay. time to say, "its time for me now" Do things for you that make you happy" block out the bad things, dont let negative thoughts consume you. I know is hard to do but it is possible. Free your mind and make sure you tell yourslelf its not your fault, everytime you see yourself thinking negatively or blaming yourself (which you shoudlnt) remind yourself its not you, tis them, its their loss, and do something positive to better you... I know its hard... may even be worth talking to a doctor about all this, they can really help.
anyways, hope I helped some, you know where I am if you need me :)
Bottom line is that blaming other people for your problems or counting on someone else to make you happy is not good. That doesn't mean that other people can't cause you grief or contribute to your happiness. It does mean that you need to take responsibility for your own actions, figure out how to positively deal with the stuff life throws at you, and figure out how to be at peace with yourself even when you can't be happy.
your still blaming others
which is the biggest problem
*boo hoo* i am so sad and it isnt my fault
which is a lie, everyone pretty much brings their own hell to themselves. (sorry to be mean)
You need to realize that NO ONE else is involved in the choices you make. and if you look at it, you probably brought about alot of the stuff on yourself.
maybe inadequacy is bad, but what are you blaming on other people? you unhappiness? your inadequacy could be seen as that other people must entertain you and keep you happy, which they have no reason to
Well, for example, look at what you just said. If you are ultimately responsible for being unhappy, then why would you be having to make believe that you created this situation? If you ARE responsible, then others are not, correct?
If you are having to force yourself to believe that you are the responsible one (so that others ARE causing your unhappiness) then you are blaming others. That's how people are seeing you.
If you are responsible, then don't blame others. If you say you are responsible but do blame others, then it looks like you are covering up your own faults by pointing the finger at others. This makes you look inadequate and unwilling to face your personal unhappiness issues.
This is a bad thing in that people who do see this will not want to associate with you and will discourage others from doing so (after all, who wants to have the finger pointed at them and be blamed for someone else's problems??)
I think you need time alone with God, who can help you with all your problems!
I think they mean that you have no way of controlling the people around you. You can only be in control of yourself, of your actions and of your feelings ... it's not easy but it is possible. If your unhappy about something, blaming someone else, even if they are initially responsible for your unhappiness isn't going to make you any happier ... there comes a time where you have to accept what this person has done or said and move on ... let it go . Because the longer you wait to do so, the more responsible you become for your happiness ...because eventually that person is long gone and you probably won't even remember what they did ... you'll just remember that you are unhappy and you'll be stuck with that feeling ... So UN-stick yourself ...because no one else can do it for you . Oh and moving on doesn't mean your saying you brought the situation about, it only means you have no desire to prolong the situation and waste precious time being unhappy ... then again maybe I am way off and didn't understand the question.
Sometimes when things go wrong and they have a tendency to do that from time to time I often ask my children these questions
Were You responsible for this in any way?
if they answer Yes, I would ask them how they felt and what did they think they could do to fix it, if anything , go and do it now
Did they learn anything from this?
How could they handle the problem better next time?
Sometimes writing it down on a piece of paper helps clarify the situation. if you can do anything to rectify the situation in a positive way. without making it 100 times worse then go do it
If not just accept it as a learning curve, grow from the situation and move on, sometimes when we do not feel good about ourselves we do not present our best sides.
if this is not the case then you have to feel happy about yourself the rest will follow
cheer up it does get better
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