Having excessive and "inappropriate" guilt?
What does that exactly mean? And don't tell me, "just what it says". Is it not normal to feel guilty after losing your parent? Like, you could've spent more, or really, better time together instead of constantly arguing? Or, you should have moved when they did, because they're old and need help? How is that "inappropriate"? I normally feel guilty about things. And excessive? I mean, come on, I just went through a trauma! How would YOU feel? Honestly...
Anyway, that's what I have to ponder for the next 3 months to try and motivate me. Does this really inhibit my ability to concentrate? I'm distracted normally, as well. Please, no suggestions on drugs! That's disgusting (prescription and illegal). Anyone else go through this? How did you snap out of your funk? Any SOUND and LOGICAL advice welcomed and appreciated, thanks!
Answer:
I don't think you can "snap" out of anything... that sounds unhealthy too...
I have yet to lose one of my parents, thank God, but when that time comes, I actually hope for a slow, sincere, grieving process with a lot of crying... ya know... the right way.
I'm really sorry, pits, if I'm reading this correctly and you have just lost a parent... there's no easy way and nothing to do except feel gutted for what seems like an eternity.
I HAVE lost close friends (which for gay people is losing family) and if that is any indicator of what it feels like to lose a parent, then that is just the worst thing ever. But people are strong and they manage. They become people that their parents would be so proud of. They take a new interest in the lives of the elderly and develop a profound respect for human life that they never knew before.
It becomes time to expand your friendships and get closer to the others who are still in this realm... they will be your best comfort.
As far as guilt, I don't know if "inappropriate" is the right word, either... any way your brain decides to think will be completely appropriate for you. Cookie cutter psychology should be left to people like Dr. Phil so he can sell books and be the happy, fat Republican that he is.
(smoochies) Wishing you the best...
Your yahoo friends are here for ya.
Hi. My father passed away in January and I have tons of guilt about alot of things. I was told its completely normal but that I can't let it rule my life. I am still grieving pretty bad, I cry just about everyday cause I miss my dad soooo much and would give ANYTHING to see him again. I don't know if I will ever snap out of it, but I know for sure that I will never ever ever get over my father's death. Don't let people push you into greiving faster.thats ridiculous. You will heal with time and if you need to, there are support groups out there with people like me in them that will always be here for you. I'm sorry for your loss.
Clinically, "inappropriate" guilt means feeling guilty for something that was never your responsibility or is impossible, such as (extreme example) feeling that you actually caused someone's death by thinking negative thoughts.
"Excessive" is pretty subjective, but generally if the guilt feelings (not just the situation) are getting in the way of your functioning, or last for longer than a reasonable period, it is excessive.
That being said, bereavement is a normal condition and no two people experience losses the same way. Many people feel somewhat guilty, unless they are emotionally dead, because we care and want to help and wish we could have done more and so forth, and blaming ourselves is one way we have of trying to make sense out of things. It doesn't sound like your guilt is inappropriate or excessive.
When I was in your situation, I remember thinking that I should have stayed where I was so that I would have been around the person when he needed me. But after while had passed, looking back, I remembered all the reasons why I had to move, and the logic behind it all. But right after he died, I couldn't see any of the logic or remember those details, I just felt guilty and emotional.
It can help to get clear on the distinction between real guilt and felt guilt. Actual guilt is the condition of having done something wrong, regardless of how you feel about it. Felt guilt is just a feeling that you've done something wrong, which doesn't correlate all that well with actual guilt.
___I don't know how old you are, but this kind of problem continues to whatever age you get to. If you lose a parent when you're 50, you'll still wonder if you should have spent more time together, and feel some guilt about it.
___But unlike the law, in moral issues, ignorance is to some extent a mitigating circumstance. It often takes an event like this to teach us how valuable our time with loved ones is, so that we'll make better use of the time we have with others. ___(But this is only partial mitigation--as you get older, you'll have the capability to anticipate things you "should have known", and will be responsible for not using it, but that's a circumstance for when you're older. Events like the loss of a parent teach us not only to value the time we have with others, but to take a step outside our involvement with our day-to-day busy-ness, and to give a thought to what we might regret not doing in the future.)
___You sound young enough to be exempt from this now. I present it only to show that there are some things you can't have known earlier.
___When you're young, it's fairly normal to argue a lot with your parents. The task of adolescence and young adulthood is to become more independent of your parents by degrees. This is difficult for both you and for your parents, and they do argue back, after all. The best you can do sometimes is to make sure you fight fair. Avoid cheap shots and intentionally hurtful things. If your lost parent didn't feel hated, then he or she was probably aware of some deeper love that dwells beneath the superficial bickering.
___At some point, you will have to face your parent's errors in dealing with you. Parents are only human, and learning to understand their vulnerabilities, and to forgive their mistakes, is another task of getting older. Sometimes you just end up with, "they did the best they could with the capabilities they had."
___Some fraction of your felt guilt is probably appropriate. We all make mistakes in our dealing with others. You don't have to deny this guilt, but you can put it into perspective. People relate to one another imperfectly, and you don't generally get to see the flaws on others' relationships, because they keep them behind closed doors. So it can sometimes seem that other people are getting along a lot better than you are in your relationships.
___We all have some guilt. Just don't add to that by feeling secondary guilt, that is, don't feel additionally guilty just because you have some guilt. Feelings like this can snowball, and while the primary feeling can be appropriate, the secondary ones are self-generated, and can be kept under control better if you're aware of them.
___Time will help, too.
I lost my ex husband to suicide and the guilt eats at me every single day. Everyone keeps telling me that it is not my fault and I need to get over it. Yeah easier said then done. If we could go back in the past and do things differently we would but we cant. Time I assume will help with the guilt but we just need to take the lesson learned and do things differently NOW with the people we care about so that we dont make the same mistake and have to deal with the what ifs later on agan.
Excessive means more than a reasonable amount of guilt for the wrongness of the action or behavior.
If you spill something, but experience "murderer" level guilt, this would be excessive.
Inappropriate is when you didn't do anything wrong, but feel guilty.
It's very, very common for people to feel guilty when people close to them die -- along with all the other negative feelings they feel.
You seem to be ranting at some particular person, in response to some particular remark I have no way of seeing or hearing, so it would have been helpful if you'd explained what you're responding to.
Going through horrible situations feels horrible.
Yes, this is natural and normal.
Your "3months" remark puzzles me. Are you assuming that your grief will be over on some schedule?
It won't.
It doesn't work like that.
If you've just lost your parents, you're not going to just snap out of it.
Ditto if you've just been through a traumatic experience.
The thing about guilt is, it's a self-inflicted punishment, so in the future you won't repeat the mistake.
If you did something wrong, and guilt prevents you from doing it again, that's healthy.
If you're inventing things to feel guilty about, when you didn't do anything wrong, or have any control over what you're feeling guilty for, that's unhealthy and counter-productive.
Beating yourself up with guilt doesn't do anyone any good -- not you, not the people around you.
If there's anyone in your life who is a sympathetic listener, talk to that person.
You may be able to sort out your feelings, express your feelings, and then be able to move on.
But grief takes time.
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Anyway, that's what I have to ponder for the next 3 months to try and motivate me. Does this really inhibit my ability to concentrate? I'm distracted normally, as well. Please, no suggestions on drugs! That's disgusting (prescription and illegal). Anyone else go through this? How did you snap out of your funk? Any SOUND and LOGICAL advice welcomed and appreciated, thanks!
Answer:
I don't think you can "snap" out of anything... that sounds unhealthy too...
I have yet to lose one of my parents, thank God, but when that time comes, I actually hope for a slow, sincere, grieving process with a lot of crying... ya know... the right way.
I'm really sorry, pits, if I'm reading this correctly and you have just lost a parent... there's no easy way and nothing to do except feel gutted for what seems like an eternity.
I HAVE lost close friends (which for gay people is losing family) and if that is any indicator of what it feels like to lose a parent, then that is just the worst thing ever. But people are strong and they manage. They become people that their parents would be so proud of. They take a new interest in the lives of the elderly and develop a profound respect for human life that they never knew before.
It becomes time to expand your friendships and get closer to the others who are still in this realm... they will be your best comfort.
As far as guilt, I don't know if "inappropriate" is the right word, either... any way your brain decides to think will be completely appropriate for you. Cookie cutter psychology should be left to people like Dr. Phil so he can sell books and be the happy, fat Republican that he is.
(smoochies) Wishing you the best...
Your yahoo friends are here for ya.
Hi. My father passed away in January and I have tons of guilt about alot of things. I was told its completely normal but that I can't let it rule my life. I am still grieving pretty bad, I cry just about everyday cause I miss my dad soooo much and would give ANYTHING to see him again. I don't know if I will ever snap out of it, but I know for sure that I will never ever ever get over my father's death. Don't let people push you into greiving faster.thats ridiculous. You will heal with time and if you need to, there are support groups out there with people like me in them that will always be here for you. I'm sorry for your loss.
Clinically, "inappropriate" guilt means feeling guilty for something that was never your responsibility or is impossible, such as (extreme example) feeling that you actually caused someone's death by thinking negative thoughts.
"Excessive" is pretty subjective, but generally if the guilt feelings (not just the situation) are getting in the way of your functioning, or last for longer than a reasonable period, it is excessive.
That being said, bereavement is a normal condition and no two people experience losses the same way. Many people feel somewhat guilty, unless they are emotionally dead, because we care and want to help and wish we could have done more and so forth, and blaming ourselves is one way we have of trying to make sense out of things. It doesn't sound like your guilt is inappropriate or excessive.
When I was in your situation, I remember thinking that I should have stayed where I was so that I would have been around the person when he needed me. But after while had passed, looking back, I remembered all the reasons why I had to move, and the logic behind it all. But right after he died, I couldn't see any of the logic or remember those details, I just felt guilty and emotional.
It can help to get clear on the distinction between real guilt and felt guilt. Actual guilt is the condition of having done something wrong, regardless of how you feel about it. Felt guilt is just a feeling that you've done something wrong, which doesn't correlate all that well with actual guilt.
___I don't know how old you are, but this kind of problem continues to whatever age you get to. If you lose a parent when you're 50, you'll still wonder if you should have spent more time together, and feel some guilt about it.
___But unlike the law, in moral issues, ignorance is to some extent a mitigating circumstance. It often takes an event like this to teach us how valuable our time with loved ones is, so that we'll make better use of the time we have with others. ___(But this is only partial mitigation--as you get older, you'll have the capability to anticipate things you "should have known", and will be responsible for not using it, but that's a circumstance for when you're older. Events like the loss of a parent teach us not only to value the time we have with others, but to take a step outside our involvement with our day-to-day busy-ness, and to give a thought to what we might regret not doing in the future.)
___You sound young enough to be exempt from this now. I present it only to show that there are some things you can't have known earlier.
___When you're young, it's fairly normal to argue a lot with your parents. The task of adolescence and young adulthood is to become more independent of your parents by degrees. This is difficult for both you and for your parents, and they do argue back, after all. The best you can do sometimes is to make sure you fight fair. Avoid cheap shots and intentionally hurtful things. If your lost parent didn't feel hated, then he or she was probably aware of some deeper love that dwells beneath the superficial bickering.
___At some point, you will have to face your parent's errors in dealing with you. Parents are only human, and learning to understand their vulnerabilities, and to forgive their mistakes, is another task of getting older. Sometimes you just end up with, "they did the best they could with the capabilities they had."
___Some fraction of your felt guilt is probably appropriate. We all make mistakes in our dealing with others. You don't have to deny this guilt, but you can put it into perspective. People relate to one another imperfectly, and you don't generally get to see the flaws on others' relationships, because they keep them behind closed doors. So it can sometimes seem that other people are getting along a lot better than you are in your relationships.
___We all have some guilt. Just don't add to that by feeling secondary guilt, that is, don't feel additionally guilty just because you have some guilt. Feelings like this can snowball, and while the primary feeling can be appropriate, the secondary ones are self-generated, and can be kept under control better if you're aware of them.
___Time will help, too.
I lost my ex husband to suicide and the guilt eats at me every single day. Everyone keeps telling me that it is not my fault and I need to get over it. Yeah easier said then done. If we could go back in the past and do things differently we would but we cant. Time I assume will help with the guilt but we just need to take the lesson learned and do things differently NOW with the people we care about so that we dont make the same mistake and have to deal with the what ifs later on agan.
Excessive means more than a reasonable amount of guilt for the wrongness of the action or behavior.
If you spill something, but experience "murderer" level guilt, this would be excessive.
Inappropriate is when you didn't do anything wrong, but feel guilty.
It's very, very common for people to feel guilty when people close to them die -- along with all the other negative feelings they feel.
You seem to be ranting at some particular person, in response to some particular remark I have no way of seeing or hearing, so it would have been helpful if you'd explained what you're responding to.
Going through horrible situations feels horrible.
Yes, this is natural and normal.
Your "3months" remark puzzles me. Are you assuming that your grief will be over on some schedule?
It won't.
It doesn't work like that.
If you've just lost your parents, you're not going to just snap out of it.
Ditto if you've just been through a traumatic experience.
The thing about guilt is, it's a self-inflicted punishment, so in the future you won't repeat the mistake.
If you did something wrong, and guilt prevents you from doing it again, that's healthy.
If you're inventing things to feel guilty about, when you didn't do anything wrong, or have any control over what you're feeling guilty for, that's unhealthy and counter-productive.
Beating yourself up with guilt doesn't do anyone any good -- not you, not the people around you.
If there's anyone in your life who is a sympathetic listener, talk to that person.
You may be able to sort out your feelings, express your feelings, and then be able to move on.
But grief takes time.
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