How do you let go of worrying about your adult children?
I need comfort on these party nights, what can I do, I overreact at times, any calming techniques, or Ideas for me? I do pray ALot, god hears and Answers Praise Him, but I pick the burden back up, is it habit, fear disobedience to God or what am I doing? I hate my fears and I think I have tried every technique know to man to over come this one, Help!
Answer:
Parents sometimes become too worried about their adult children. It sounds like you realize that he needs to live his own life, but you are still concerned about him. It's okay to worry, but if you are literally losing sleep, you should try to let go a bit more.
Get some hobbies and distractions. Try to get out more and socialize on your own, get out with friends. Occupy your mind with other, more constructive things.
Lastly, you may want to seek counseling - a pastor, a professional, just to discuss why you are so worried.
tough love is all I can say, as a parent you have the right to worry but worring to the point of insomnia is not healthy. I would talk with a professional.
Having faith is awesome but he is responible for his own actions at this point and age. He knows right from wrong.
i wish i knew the answer but i dont ,i suppose its part of loving your children so much , i worry about my boys and girls when they go out to parties and stay out all night .
be glad that your son has friends and is happy and socialising , maybe go out yourself and have some fun , even for a meal , to a friends house for coffee or to the cinema to take your mind off the worries .
its normal to me to worry myself stupid , i beleive its just part of being a loving person. i hope i have made sense and i hope you understand me i honestly know how you feel
I do not think being concerned for our children is wrong but if it is to the point of loosing sleep then yes we have a problem. I too have a son (28) whom I get very concerned with. You gave a good answer in your own question, ...prayer. You have to really hand it over to God and let him handle it or it will drive you insane with worry. That is something that can just eat away at you. You sound as if you do have faith, so I suggest when those feelings do come ask God to take those fears away, but remember you have to let Him take them. Hanging on to them won't work. I also suggest getting yourself a booklet that can give you scripture to refer to during these times. A close friend also helps. I hope this helps you in some way. Rely on your faith and you will be ok.
Ahh the empty nest syndrome, my mother had that soooo bad. She used to call me like 5 times a day just to make sure I was ok and I had everything I needed (food, clothes, ect.) I think after a while she slowly started to redefine our relationship. She is still my mother and always will be, but she also my friend now. And she knows if/and or when I need her, I will call her. She is never left out of the loop. Stop worrying so much, he loves you, and knows you are there whenever he may need to reach you.
as you said, you pray a lot. please leave your worries with God. have enough faith that He will take care of your son for you. i'm the worst worrier ever so i know how you feel. always remember that you are different from your son. your worrying is also causing him problems. if you worry, he worries that you worry. yay! am i confusing you? lol, sorry. just ease up a little bit and thank you for being such a caring parent and your son is lucky. wish all parents are like that.
Write down what it means to you when he goes out and drinks at night. (e.g.: It means that he can get killed or kill others drunk driving. It means he'll fail at his life if he doesn't straighten out. It means he'll become an alcoholic. Etc...)
All those fears are not FOR your son's sake. Those fears are for your own sake. His life as he lives it for himself doesn't matter to you. It matters only that he placates your own fears so that you don't have to face them. You'll find this to be true when you keep asking, "So what?" to each of those worries and uncover the ultimate answer: "Because I feel that I won't be able to handle it if his drinking brings about these specific consequences."
You fear you won't be able to handle losing your son or of him not attaining what you consider his potential for your idea of success. You say you 'know he has to chart his own course'. No you don't. Just because you say that doesn't mean you know it deep down into your core, or else you wouldn't be worrying about him. You feel you have a better idea on how his life should be run (ultimately so YOU don't have to face YOUR OWN fears).
Ok, with that point driven home, the only way you can come to peace with how your son is is by facing those fears. I use Byron Katie's method of questioning fears and stressful thoughts at www.thework.com. It's free and full of help and simple to do.
No matter if you are worrying about your son or celebrating his life no matter how it is lived, he will live it out in the way that it will be lived out. All I can say is that enjoying your son, appreciating him just as he is while he is walking this earth, delighting in his presence and enjoying your thoughts of him is what you are trading for these nightmare of worries. You are the one doing this to yourself. Not him.
And if you feel you can live and enjoy your life without drinking, what better example to your son are you then? It shows him that you can enjoy your life while he figures out his own. And it It shows that you can be fascinated with the natural unfolding of his life and character. You cannot know that this is not the best experience for him to be having right now to nudge him into the next level of maturity. Ultimately, his life as you see it is the best experience to nudge YOU into YOUR next level of maturity.
Best of luck to you.
I have to agree with most of the answers for you to read. They are good answers. You raised your son. You gave him the necessary tools needed for him to live his life in the real world. Now, as hard as it is, it is time to step back and watch him as he creates his own life for himself. That's the hard part, isn't it?
I think it might help to talk to your son as an adult and express your fears concerning his drinking and remember that you as a recovering alcoholic and a woman of faith that you are giving the best example for him that you can. Now it is time for you both to redefine your relationship with one another. You can't help but worry about the consequences of his actions, but the mistakes are his to make alone and I can't imagine how hard it is to sit back and watch. I would suggest to your son, though, that he call you on a regular basis to ease some of your fear(s). I call my mother every Saturday so that she knows that I'm alright and that eases her worries about me somewhat. I hope this helps. Good luck and GOD bless!
There is a saying: "Time heals all wounds". You are not responsible for your son's actions. All you can do is to let him know that you love him and are there for him. Also, prayer helps. God is in our hearts and minds. Once this young man realizes what discomfort you are experiencing, he will think twice about abusing his life and things will turn out better. The alternative to prayer is counseling for yourself. He will live his life the way he wants to live - if something major happens to him, it should be a wake up call. Parents never stop being concerned about their children - it is a way of life. Good luck in getting over the blame.
Grow up
Tough Love! You aren't responisible for his choices now mum regardless of what you did your youth. We all have freewill.
Pray and earnestly give your fears/worries to God. Perhaps, your son has a lesson to learn and he will.
Put lavender oil in your house be it Glade air freshner, I put in next to my bed in addtion thru out my house. It's for calming.
I'd be more disappointed than worried. If you don't let go you are just as sick as he is.
You never do and I can understand were you are coming from your youth sounds like mine I was a party animal in my day and especially when I served in the U.S.military the things I could
write in this space but I won't.
And like you my son watched me go through some very bad drinking times that I am not proud of he is now 28,and like I he served in the U.S.Marine Corps,was on duty the day 9/11 took place at Camp Pendleton,California,so you can say I had my worries as well but I have not had a drink since 1993.
Here is my point as my son got to his teenage years I started talking to him about what old barleycorn can do to you and were it can lead and some he saw first hand but I asked him and begged him and I did please don't drink it broke up my marriage with his mother and that was the only thing she hated about me I was a good husband and father but my drinking she could not take anymore.
No your not over reacting you don't want him to go down the road you went down and I did so know your not over reacting I worried when my son was stationed in Japan,and when I learned how one night he was out with his Marine,buddies and he got drunk and the left him I went . nuts okay,because I saw me back in my military days and I got angry and scared so when I did talk with him again I went off on him because he knew what it had done to me and I did not hide anything from him but like you my son was grown and over seas so I could only ask him not too I could not stop him.
But let me tell you this it worked he is married and I have three grand children and he rarely drinks and I do mean rarely I was scared because there is a history in my family from my father's side and my mother's so I feared for my son but all that talking,begging and like you talking with God,has paid off
quite well and your right he does hear you and listen and answer prayers but you know the thing I think that helped the most was that as he was growing up I was bold face honest with him about my drinking history and what it had done to me and him and his mom and everything else in my life.
So if you know you did right by your son and did all you could to warn him of the evils of alcohol than you have done your best and that is all as parents we can do once they are grown ok don't beat your head against the wall every time he goes out because there is nothing you can do to stop him right put it in God's hands and you relax I did once I realized I had done my best because in the end it worked out for I.him,and our family.
Just let go and let God,do your work if you have done yours as a parent that is what is expected of you now leave it in his hands ok and be at peace with yourself ok,good luck from a parent and father who understands how you feel and have been through it.
Very good question, when you find out please let me know.
it's all part of being a mother- my sons don't drink heavily but I find other things to worry about
Worry is anger coming out of a small opening.
Sounds like you are angry with him because he is not living his life as you think he should.
He is raised. Your job is done. It is too late for a do-over.
AL-ANON has exactly what you need. Go online for meetings anywhere in the country.
hi.
Ever thought of growing up yourself you could go out with your son I'd say you need to get a life I love my own son and was a sigle father he is twenty five and I worry he is alight but I get on with my life and accept fate is fate
you will all ways.ask god to help you let go.but you will always be thier when they need your help,
I think I will always worry about my children. And if feels like 'payback' for my youth too.
In your case, maybe it would help to go out on the nights you're sure he's going out. Do something fun and involving so that you are distracted and you are also seeing that every fun place is not a danger zone.
If you do that enough, maybe you'll have such a good time and make new friends so that you'll have a social life that distracts you and you have less time to sit and think about him.
Another thing to think about: everyone has a different way to come to understand alcohol and its dangers. I drank a lot when I was young (that payback is something I worry about too) and so I understand how alcohol can seem to help with problems. Even into my 30s, alcohol seemed to have a role in helping feel better about problems. But at some point, and I don't know what that point was, it sank into my subconscious that alcohol was probably causing more problems than helping them. Today the last thing I think of when I need to feel better is alcohol. This just took time, I think, to occur to me. Maybe it was a long time but it did take time.
There are so many areas in life where one can make disastrous misjudgements that are equally calamitous (I'm thinking that going into 40 or 50 thousand dollars of debt that you can't really pay off in your lifetime is just one!) and yet you are worried about the area that YOU are familiar with. It makes sense, doesn't it? But in reality, your son's bad judgements, the ones that will hurt you and impact you, will be uniquely his own. Not yours, not really related to your own misjudgements.
And he will make misjudgements! You spend years raising a child fearful of things that can happen to him or her. That's because you know better than they do what's 'out there'. Now is the time to admit just one important thing to yourself: now your son is old enough - and his life is something he's an expert on. HE knows better than you what's 'out there' now and he's been dealing with it OK so far. Mistakes will happen. Misjudgements, yes. But he's knowledgeable and he's as responsible as HE wants to be, not as as responsible as YOU want to be.
Beware that everyone else's grown child is above reproach, usually. No dangers for them, right? They handle their lives perfectly without missteps, as they were raised so correctly by perfectly behaving parents. Oh, please, look behind the closed doors and you would be shocked. And when someone tells you how smoothly life is going for their grown son or daughter, be assured you are getting the edited version. We are all imperfect - THEY are all imperfect, the ones we measure ourselves against.
Once he moves out, it should be easier. It is harder to worry when they live away from you, because you're not right on top of it.
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