How do you discuss something when the other party is focused on pointing the blame back at me?
When there's a problem, I notice it's a common reaction for people to refocus the blame--even if the point is to find resolution and NOT to find blame.
What's are effective strategies for diffusing that type of response?
Examples:
1. I went to administrators about a teacher who was making the course up as he went along. The school's response was to blame me for expecting too much. They never
answered my questions about what they'd consider reasonable expectations.
2. I was late to an appointment. The staff said I could use the remaining 15min, but went on to describe how it was my fault that I was late. "You know how traffic is. You know parking is tough. We told you to be here early."
Yes, it was my fault. No doubt. My question was whether I could change my appointment, or not. They said "no." Ok. But they went on as if they needed to make it crystal clear that I did this to myself.
How could I have responded in such situations to have a more productive interaction?
Answer:
Avoid placing blame, be assertive, saying only how it is for you. Then no one has to take a defensive posture.
Please read the question asked. I may be incorrect in my perception, but it appears to be attacking. Please explain your position.
people tend to do that when they know you have something worthy to say...to make you feel inadequate...ignore them and carry on... little people don't care about change...they will go to all ends to prevent change...just incase you might make them look like a fool.or have more to offer then them..doggy dog world we have made
Sometimes I guess it's wiser to abandon the attempt to communicate with certain people and let them pass our way so we can just go on
Administrators are nothing more than politicians. They knew you only had a little time left and that shouldn't have been your criteria. They took more time telling you they were out of time than it would have taken to just listen.
Next time realize they're not on your side to begin with. Wait until you're at a public meeting and when there are reporters there and you'll see just how helpful and 'concerned' they become.
Write a letter to the local paper expressing your views about the teacher's methods and it might raise some eyebrows. If this teacher is really good, he may be better than the books that are written for him to teach, and in that case the student is lucky to have him. Stay open-minded.
In any situation where blame is being thrown back just start your argument with acknowledgement of whatever blame you might share , then this is dealt with and can't be used if it's already a non-issue.
Great question. It's interesting b/c anyone can place blame and make something someone else's fault. It's easy to do. So, one thing you can do is to present things in a way that doesn't place blame. You can present a problem like this, "I'm confused. You said this, but this is what happened, can you help me understand what happened?" "I'm confused" or "I'm surprised that..." are two great ways to start a conversation like this. or "I noticed..."
The best advice I can give you is to look at it like your on the person's team, and together you're trying to figure out something that is simply a misunderstanding. That you believe that you are on the same side, but a misunderstanding has come in the way. So, instead of presenting it as a problem that they need to fix or admit they're wrong at- come at them like, "Hey, I believe that you're on my team and that you want things to go well for me and have my best interest in mind, but here's this situation that's come up and so I'm confused as to how this fits into the idea that you have my best interest in mind."
Good luck. I'd basically say, try to take the fight out of the situation. Try to make it not a fight.
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What's are effective strategies for diffusing that type of response?
Examples:
1. I went to administrators about a teacher who was making the course up as he went along. The school's response was to blame me for expecting too much. They never
answered my questions about what they'd consider reasonable expectations.
2. I was late to an appointment. The staff said I could use the remaining 15min, but went on to describe how it was my fault that I was late. "You know how traffic is. You know parking is tough. We told you to be here early."
Yes, it was my fault. No doubt. My question was whether I could change my appointment, or not. They said "no." Ok. But they went on as if they needed to make it crystal clear that I did this to myself.
How could I have responded in such situations to have a more productive interaction?
Answer:
Avoid placing blame, be assertive, saying only how it is for you. Then no one has to take a defensive posture.
Please read the question asked. I may be incorrect in my perception, but it appears to be attacking. Please explain your position.
people tend to do that when they know you have something worthy to say...to make you feel inadequate...ignore them and carry on... little people don't care about change...they will go to all ends to prevent change...just incase you might make them look like a fool.or have more to offer then them..doggy dog world we have made
Sometimes I guess it's wiser to abandon the attempt to communicate with certain people and let them pass our way so we can just go on
Administrators are nothing more than politicians. They knew you only had a little time left and that shouldn't have been your criteria. They took more time telling you they were out of time than it would have taken to just listen.
Next time realize they're not on your side to begin with. Wait until you're at a public meeting and when there are reporters there and you'll see just how helpful and 'concerned' they become.
Write a letter to the local paper expressing your views about the teacher's methods and it might raise some eyebrows. If this teacher is really good, he may be better than the books that are written for him to teach, and in that case the student is lucky to have him. Stay open-minded.
In any situation where blame is being thrown back just start your argument with acknowledgement of whatever blame you might share , then this is dealt with and can't be used if it's already a non-issue.
Great question. It's interesting b/c anyone can place blame and make something someone else's fault. It's easy to do. So, one thing you can do is to present things in a way that doesn't place blame. You can present a problem like this, "I'm confused. You said this, but this is what happened, can you help me understand what happened?" "I'm confused" or "I'm surprised that..." are two great ways to start a conversation like this. or "I noticed..."
The best advice I can give you is to look at it like your on the person's team, and together you're trying to figure out something that is simply a misunderstanding. That you believe that you are on the same side, but a misunderstanding has come in the way. So, instead of presenting it as a problem that they need to fix or admit they're wrong at- come at them like, "Hey, I believe that you're on my team and that you want things to go well for me and have my best interest in mind, but here's this situation that's come up and so I'm confused as to how this fits into the idea that you have my best interest in mind."
Good luck. I'd basically say, try to take the fight out of the situation. Try to make it not a fight.
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