My boyfriend's AA meetings..?
and he's also an addict.
He's been clean and sober for 4 years now.
He has four children who live with the x wife.
The chldren are involved in baseball and school events, as many children are - and the X demands that my BF attend every single game - which means missing his meetings.
He hasn't been to meetings for an entire month because when he tells the X that he has a meeting she makes him feel guilty for not doing things with the kids.
(The kids are with us every weekend)
I've told him that he needs to work on himself first so that he can remain healthy for the kids sake as well as his own.
I don't understand why she would do such a thing-- his X has a medical background - why would she not support this?
I worry about him and I can see he's becoming stressed about it.
Is there anything I an do? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?
We are moving in together.
Answer:
I think the ex is a terrible person for making a person suffer to get what she wants. She sounds like she is controlling and manipulative. She knows what's best for her, but that doesn't coincide with what is best for him or what's best for the children involved. It him, not you, that is the one that needs to sit her down and say to her that he NEEDS to attend these meetings, it's not about wanting. It's something he has to do in order to straighten himself out and become the best father he can be. All you really have to do is have him talk to the kids and be honest with them. He needs to tell them that, as much as he would like to attend their games, that he can't because he has to attend these meetings for his future and their future together. The kids will probably want him to go to the meetings if it's making him better. After getting the feedback from the children, she will no longer be able to use the guilt as a weapon to get what she wants. You've unarmed her, in a manner of speaking. Just let your guy know that you are right there with him and so are his kids. Good Luck.
RED FLAG: SHE IS NOT KEEPING HIM FROM THOSE MEETINGS. ONLY HE CAN KEEP HIM FROM THOSE AA MEETINGS. THIS IS A COP OUT. STOP WORRYING ABOUT HIM, HE'S GROWN AND KNOWS WHAT HE SHOULD DO. READ UP ON CODEPENDENCY. SAVE YOURSELF GIRL.
How about going to some Al-Anon meetings yourself? You might also review some of your previous questions here on Y!A, I'm not so sure moving in is such a great idea.
If I'm reading the question right, then it sounds like your boyfriend needs to prioritize a bit better. If you boyfriend has been sober for 4 years, than that is a very good thing indeed. However, he should still make an effort to show up to meetings whenever possible. He doesn't have to show up to every meeting, but perhaps he would be able to commit to something like one or two a month. As far as the ex, it seems that he is having a problem standing up to her, and perhaps once he determines how many meetings he can skip without becoming uncomfortable with progress in recovery, he needs to make it very clear to her that he has to commit some time to taking care of himself. As far as the kids, he can perhaps express to his kids that just because he can't go to every game, it has nothing to do with loving them or not . It sounds like the wife is using the kids to keep control of him, and he needs to make it very clear that it will not be tolerated. Probably the best thing about AA, is that he probably has many people there who will support him in his efforts to stand up to the witch. and perhaps continued support from you will also go a long way as well.
I would consider this to be a major relapse warning sign. Unless you are in a very rural area there are many AA meetings to choose from at many different times. Your boyfriend may not be able to attend his home meeting, but he should certainly be able to make it to another meeting. Has he talked to his sponsor about this? I definately agree with the other answers, get yourself to an al-anon group. Anyone who is dating an addict, current or former, should be involved with the program. It will help you support him in a healthy, non-enabling way.
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