Do you think we're destined to parent our children in the same way our parents raised us?
So my question to you guys is: do you think it's impossible to escape your upbringing? Will it spill over in your parenting, even if you do manage to refine yourself as an adult? If you think it's possible, then how do you suppose one avoids the vicious cycle completely?
Answer:
Your mom is blaming the fact that she messed up on her parents and the fact that she said or made you believe you were screwed up is wrong. She should know better than to say that to you and just because she isn't handling parenthood correctly has no effect on how you would parent. You are smarter than her I can tell just in the fact that you aren't blindly believing this lie. What she meant to say is I messed some things up and didn't do everything right but don't blame me blame my parents I don't want to admit to doing something wrong this might make me look bad and I don't want people especially my children to think I make mistakes I couldn't live with myself if they thought I was human. She is insecure and lives with a lot of denial if someone can't admit that they are wrong they will not be able to learn and grow as a person. This is actually a common situation my mom did this too, someone who has stopped learning and yet is never wrong is a bad combination because she is lying to herself and teaching you the wrong information.
The only way this could be anywhere close to possible is if you learn how to lie to yourself and if you can't admit to making a mistake if you did. Being wrong is how we learn and become smarter allow yourself to be wrong you will find it will teach you the most.
No I don't. We might be INCLINED to do so, but the choice is ours. If you want to parent differently than the way you were parented, then you need to decide HOW you want to parent. If you feel you suffered alot of emotional damage due to the way your were raised, you should seek professional help or a support group, so you won't repeat the mistakes of your parents.
I think it's possible to escape. Plenty of adults look back on their childhood and wish something about it was different and will often try and give their child that something as well as everything else. So therefore, their parents upbring them is different than their upbring of their child.
However, seeing as how every person is different, the child will probably have at least one or two faults that weren't attended to, it's impossible to avoid, you just have to hope you do just enough to keep those faults as minimal as possible.
You can undo this, but you need to increase your self awareness levels, and listen to your intuitions better than ever before! Those are very importants aspects to look after as your conscious may have taken some bad stuff, but human subconscious is more powerful than anything and even think on its own... Just take the time to feel it, and I am pretty sure you will avoid to screw up your childs later in life. If your mother say so, its because she was taken into her works and could not spare the energy to be self conscious all the time, so she end up raising you on the automatic mode, which has caused your screwedupness...
yes i think its possible to escape it and not do it to your children. because when my parents do something i always ask myself if i would ever do it to my daughter/son. i remember how it made me feel and it motivates me to avoid their parenting habits.
No we are NOT destined to make the same mistakes. That's an excuse your mom is using, and maybe it makes her feel better, I don't know.
I know of MANY people that were excellent parents that actually learned from their parent's mistakes.
A lot of mistakes in parenting are overcompensation, like "my parent never did this for me, so I'm going to make sure I do it for my kid", well maybe your kid won't WANT that, so that can be a mistake. The biggest mistake is trying to make all these adjustments based on your own childhood. Your child won't be you, so there is no sense in trying treat them as if they are. You watch your kid and pay attention to them, and adjust your parenting from there.
Biggest thing, is to always keep in focuse and keep central in your thoughts, what is BEST for my kid? Not how can I be their buddy, or what is convenient for me, or anything that centers on your struggles or your problems.
AND, BY THE WAY, your mom saying you were screwed up or even you saying you were screwed up, is the WRONG attitude. Scrap that attitude, quit making excuses and improve yourself as a person, and you'll go a long ways towards breaking that cycle.
yes its totally avoidable obviuosly you cant pass on something that you never learned so dont know about but your partner may have learned these things and between you you will do a reasonable job.my mum said her mum used to scream and shout at her and smack her a lot she swore not to do that but my dad was the heavy handed one now i swear i wont be like my dad but my hubby is a nagging so and so so my kids will swear not to nag and on it goes.
I seriously doubt it. I know this from my father and mother. They were raised in a very strict household that wouldn't let any small detail or wrong thing go without saying something, or punishment, or something. However, I was raised differently, my household is much less strict, they still comment if I do anything wrong, but I'm never punished (or to be more accurate my punishment is less than what they used to get). So no. You will not raise your kids the same way your parents raise you.
Good question. First off, you acknowledge the most important things in your life that you feel are screwed up. You make a conscience choice to change it. You have to have your guard up. I was raised by my grandmother and later my mother. I was very screwed up. My girls are happy well adjusted children. It is possible to fix mistakes if you see them. Also, keep a watchful eye and keep the communications lines open with your children. Really listen to them and evaluate what they say. Does it have validity or are they just mad and striking out against you.
The answers post by the user, for information only, FunQA.com does not guarantee the right.
More Questions and Answers: