What is this ILLNESS? Explanatory Style?? HOW DO WE STOP THIS??
My wife and I have been married for 5 years... I am from the north where we are 'straight to the point" and clear cut. well my wife is from the south and things are done a little differently, much more talking and "beating around the bush"
her mother always seems to not like "our" simple and clear decision making
Her mother was emotionally and physically abuse as a child and has had been disappointed by nearly everyone in her life. She holds her children very near to her heart. Whenever her children would make any choices of their own her mother uses guilt and manipulation to make them feel bad.
Recently, My wife and I have made the decision to have both sets of parents stay at hotels when they visit.(as before her parents would stay with us) due to having LIMITED space(just had our 3rd child, and have small housing) . Her parents are asking "why we are punishing them? what they did so wrong? how hurt they are and how upset we have made them." grr .HOW DO WE STOP THIS?
Answer:
I have stood in your shoes and wanted to scream. The thing is, you can't change anyone's behavior. The only thing that has kept us sane is ignoring the mothers when they are acting out of line. Tell her it is about living space. If she continues to talk about it, tell her that the subject is closed. It may sound harsh, but how much explaining should you be expected to do?
they are manipulating you because that's how they get people to do things for them. Do not play into the guilt trip. Trust me on this one. Stand your ground, do not back down and talk to her with love. She knows what she is doing and the best way to deal with it is to explain the situation to her Of course she is going to try to say things like well, you could do this or do that and we would be able to sleep anywhere etc, but stand your ground, don't get into an arguement with her about why her ideas will not work. Just say, we have considered it and this is the way it is going to be.
PS: Your mother in law may have been through a lot but now she is playing the victim and inflicting pain on her relatives and her children. She is no longer the victim, she is now the perpetrator. You will need to talk to your wife about this and you two come to an agreement of how to handle her now and in the future so that it doesn't come between your marriage
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