I've been married for 3 months now...we disagree on everything.i think we aren't made for each other...
i hate it when he treats me like a baby...i mean he's a great guy and all but when it comes to decision making...i'm left out most of the times. i not outta uni yet but that doesn't mean i'm a kid. it irritates me when i'm all so excited about something and he's cool about it. i feel like he takes it to be too immature of me. i know he's older but not that much. it really irks me. wat do i do? i've noticed we end up arguing on everything and then he comes back to me.i do like it...but he treates me like a child...wat do i do?
Answer:
You said that whenever your excited about something he acts all cool about it? Then he is probably just not very interested in the same things you are. Find something that makes him really, really excited, (like football, that makes some guys go crazy) and do that thing with him. Just have an hour or two a week when you do this thing together and don't talk about anything serious or important, just enjoy yourself. Having some fun time together when you don't have to worry about anything really helps some people feel more comfortable around each other, because then they don't always associate being around each other with anger and fighting. As for the other problems, I guess you should see a marriage counselor.
Do not write off the marriage! Obviously, you took the step of getting married for a reason. I think your lines of communication are not open enough. You may want to see a marriage counselor or a person from your church/synagoge, etc.
Maybe you and him should try to agree to disagree. My hubby and I (6 years together) are very different people, but we both have learned to respect each others very different opinion. There are also certain issues (politics in general) that we avoid talking about because we know it is going to end up in a pointless argument. If you are arguing with him because of some underlying issue (you feel he doesn't respect you), then you need to bring that to the table and let him know this. You have a marriage and the two of you have to learn how tell each other how you are feeling. (Not all the time either. You don't need to have a long conversation about how mad you are when you are just PMSing.)
You admit you usually start the fight by being "playful", then you say he's the one to make up. Is it any wonder he treats you like a child? You are acting like one.
A mature person will try to put a relationship back together, even if it means apologizing when she knows the other person bears more of the blame. It takes two to make an argument, so both bear some of the blame.
If you really want this marriage to work (and the first year is always the hardest) you need to recognize when you overstep the "playful" limit and stop before you cause an argument. After an argument, try to be the first to apologize, even if it's for fighting back! When you act more mature, he will treat you as more of an equal.
No one is "made" for each other. I hate to burst the romantic bubble for anyone, but the truth is love is a decision. There is no "right" or "wrong" one for you, unless you decide for them to be.
Exception: I am NOT referring to someone who is locked in a situation that has proven to be abusive. No one should tolerate physical, emotional or mental abuse from anyone else. If the situation becomes dangerous, then don't wait - get out!
However, what you describe doesn't sound like abuse - it just sounds like two people - still immature - still newlyweds - who are trying to get used to suddenly being together all the time. And you're also beginning to realize that some of your romantic fantasies are precisely that - fantasies.
Once you become willing to compromise (translation: give up your need to be "right" all the time), and you put the other persons feelings and needs ABOVE your own, then you'll learn what true love is all about - and what it means to be in a happy, satisfying marital relationship.
To be honest, if he's treating you like a baby, it could be because you're behaving like one. (Don't take that personally - I did to for the first five years or so of my married life.) It really isn't cool that you argue over everything and he always ends up being the one to make amends. That sounds petulant and manipulative on your part. Don't make him always beg - even if you like it. Be willing to admit you're wrong. Be the first to jump in to make amends - at least some of the time. And learn to keep your mouth closed instead of popping off over every little thing all the time.
You said it yourself - there's a certain thrill or excitement to the upheaval (ever hear of make-up sex?) But bickering all the time and then watching him play the fool to win your affections isn't a basis for a happy or satisfying marriage.
If I were you, I'd work to change these patterns now. BEFORE there are children, and BEFORE you both get so locked into this silliness that you don't know how to get out.
If you want to be treated more like an adult, then it's time to behave more like one.
Best wishes to you both!
If it was good before the marriage then maybe it is a commitment thing. That one or both of you are afraid to give up your hearts. I don't believe to much in psycho-babble-bullshit, I suggest starting something new together, it doesn't have to be complicated. Rock climbing is a very intimate two person hobby, and there are many more if you think about it.
You could get drunk together and try and get into your feelings. People show their true feelings when their drunk and it will shake things up regardless. That said things could be risky in this approach, I would go with the former as it is probably just an escalation of commitment phobia.
Everyone would like to think that marriage will just be a cake walk. Especially the first few months. Ahh the honeymooners all doe eyed and in love.
The truth is the first few months if you delve right into married life are a time when you are re learning who one another is. You are in a more intimate relationship. Especially if you didn't live together pre marriage.
It doesn't mean you aren't made for one another when it comes to the arguments. It means you have to sit down and talk. COMMUNICATION.
Key word there. Appologies and making up are great, but until the roots of the arguments are handled it just festers until someone says something they don't mean.
Tell him how it makes you feel without pointing fingers. Something like."I wish you wouldn't say it that way. It makes me feel..." Fill in the blank.
Him not getting excited doesn't mean he thinks you are immature. I am sure if you look back before you were married you will note that there are just things that he doesn't get as excited about or he shows it in a different way.
My husband doesn't get all "Woo hoo" when I get all excited and yes sometimes he raises and eyebrow like "o-ok then" but we have been married 5 years now and if he doesn't get as excited me thats ok.
I would really sit down and discuss how he can make you feel like a kid. I am sure he doesn't mean to. He may not even know he is doing it, and if you don't address it now you may never get to it. Tell him you need to be included when decisions are being made.
This marriage thing and partnership is all new to him as well. He may feel like because he is a husband now he needs to step in and take the husband roll, the man roll. My husband and I were 22 when we got married and I let him know. (Again it doesn't have to be said in a confrontational way.) Now he asks what do you think this is your money too, or this is your life too, right down to dinner sometimes.
Best of luck and congratulations on the marriage.
First of all, it would be so much easier to just give up, or so you think. You'll probably end up building walls that shouldn't be built afterwards, and it will leave scars with you for awhile.
It would be so so so much easier to stick together and solve this. You are going to have to do this together if it will work! It will, o ye of little faith.
Surely. And you will both be so much stronger in the end of it. So much stronger.
If you didn tlive together for those 3 years, this just may be a boundary issue, and a sharing issue with personal space. And if you have lived with each other for this entire time, perhaps you need a vacation from your space, and try sharing some time together AWAY from everything.
Also, whatever you do...When you say "you get irritated because you may get excited and he is just cool about it"...Do NOT attempt to play this off as he should feel as you do. Men show emotions in parculiar ways at times, and we do NOT show our emotions just as women may do.
So just because he acts "cool" about it , means more than you may think.
What could be worse? HE acts like an ***? He huffs and puffs about it? He is cool about it?
Or he acts like a male cheerleader about it?
Probably being cool about it is the best he does, at least for now. As the relationship evolves and grows, you will both know how to handle these things better, and will more likely be able to show your emotions better as well.
Hope this helps!
Season
Your 22, he's 27.
your playful & love a good argument (all in fun)...but he fights back & makes you feel little.
I dont know why you got married in the first place?
Oh thats right; it's because you thought he's the 1& he must av been thinking she's the 1...ah memories.
The only thing wrong with you guys is your've only been married 10 minutes! Your going to feel be-littled by his gestures & responces because the only other people in your life who had any real say was mum&dad (guessing u had that privilage) & now some1 other than your teachers @uni are in your head space2!
He loves you doesn't E? enough to be the 1st one to wave the white flag all the time.
Your young he's young; the relationship as you know it isn't so young but you have to think actually it is...3 months young.
The pass track record need not be the pelude to WWIII but you are going to figure eachother out.
He will piss you off sometimes! & viseversa! but you will learn to push eachothers good buttons too...believe me.
Happly married (most of the time), 2.5 years
All the best 2u both on your anniversary
Im so sorrry to hear that your marrriage is not going as planned - but this is what we call life. LIfe is what happens to you while you are planning the rest of your life...
You made a couple of statements that stick out to me - namely, that you are the source of much of the problems, as you start the bickering. So, stop bickering, stop starting it.
While there seems to be little difference between 22 and 27 years of age, there is a bit of a larger gap than you are not seeing...after 25, many male's mindset changes, and we begin to focus on other things - family, career, etc. At 22yo, you find yourself in university still, probably still enjoy partying and hanging out. Your man is over that phase... Im 35 and my fiancee is 30 and still in school - and I am the same as your man - I find it difficult to get excited about her schooling as much as she is, because I have been through it already...
Your best bet is completely open communication. And, here is a hint - no one likes to be blamed for anything. So, instead of sitting down and saying "YOU make me feel like this", you need to remain calm and focused and you need to say things like "I feel this way when I am treated this way". That takes the blame factor out of speech, making it easier for him to focus on your needs, rather than him becoming defensive to your perceived attacks.
6 years with my fiancee and we fought one time, way back in the beginning, because she drove my car drunk. Why? Because we know how to communicate with each other.
I wish you the best.
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