If your husband does not understand what you need, how do you let out your frustration? Please guide me!?
A stubborn husband,with no real sense.I've maintained my marraige just because my mom said 'divorce is not in our blood &try not to let my upbringing get abused by leaving your husband'...I feel frustrated.I want to leave him.Moreover,he is emotionally too dependant on me and if anything happens to him because I leave him, I may not be able to forgive myself. I also know that he loves me a lot but he cannot change himself for me (or for anyone!).
Our home is not a beautiful one, full of his junk, he does not want to clear it.I am not allowed to invite friends and even if I did,I feel embaraced due to my messy house.
I know I am more smarter than him and can earn more than him.But he dominates me and my confidence seems shattered. I feel I have lost myself and his thoughts are not like anybody I know. He does not like to socialise and I feel guilty if I socialize.He wants me to be so suttle that my family thinks I hide things from them.I tried talking to him but he thinks hes normal!
Answer:
First, I would like to apologize for your emotional struggle. If I ever wanted to complain about my marriage, or say my wife is "stupid", the best thing anyone has ever told me was,"Well, look who she married."
I am not saying your not a nice person, or anything, I was throwing off on my self. However, I want you to understand men can be very selfish and stubbron. By what I read he is very controlling and a self-centered slob.
There is no cure-all, magic potion, etc. The only thing that will get to him is "communication". Not the communication that is of the yelling state. If my wife would be mad or upset about something I do. There is a way she can tell me to do something that I could either, break my back to do it or break my back not to do it.
If you tell him what you would like (friends over, clean his junk up, a closer relationship) do so in the nicest manner you have ever thought of without ever rasing your voice. Do not ever "nag" him about cleaning his stuff up or what you want. Be overly nice to him (Kill him with kindness). If you ever feel like yelling, don't. Try the method of crying. Even if he says your being a baby or whatever. Seeing their wife cry (as long as they are not in an arguement) will get to any man.
-Take baby steps, the first step being be overly nice to him.
-The second step being, start to mention (in normal conversation, dont just blurt it out.) the things you would like
(About his junk, don't mention he has to get rid of it, ask him if you and he can just organize it.)
-The third step, get him social with his friends/familys with encouragement (do not complain about having to see them). Then any man with half a heart would believe to let you have your time as well.
I have had the same mindset sometimes, and I have done the same things, and MANY times has it crossed my mind,"Why do I have to be the one to do everything to save my marriage when the other person is not doing anything?"
I have felt that way alot of times, and no, it didn't seem fair, however, if one of you is not going to step up and make things better, they will never get better.
Quote: If you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to get what you have always gotten.
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship built on control & guilt. You are independant & have choices so make one & follow it through. If the threat of your husband commiting suicide is stopping you from leaving your relationship then you are in desperate need of some professional counselling/advice. I know you feel trapped but you will only continue to feel this way if you continue in this situation. I am inclined to think that your wellbeing is being seriously threatened here, so forget about others & try & concentrate on doing something positive in your life just for YOU!
I give you permission to leave. You are entitled to happiness.
I don't know how you got into this situation, what the circumstances were, but I do sincerely hear you pleading for permission to get out. Don't feel guilty, you have no reason to.
It is what you want and will never be regretted once you figure out a way. It may take time, you may have to secretly save money, but once you have a goal, you will already start to feel better. Keep us posted, OK?
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Our home is not a beautiful one, full of his junk, he does not want to clear it.I am not allowed to invite friends and even if I did,I feel embaraced due to my messy house.
I know I am more smarter than him and can earn more than him.But he dominates me and my confidence seems shattered. I feel I have lost myself and his thoughts are not like anybody I know. He does not like to socialise and I feel guilty if I socialize.He wants me to be so suttle that my family thinks I hide things from them.I tried talking to him but he thinks hes normal!
Answer:
First, I would like to apologize for your emotional struggle. If I ever wanted to complain about my marriage, or say my wife is "stupid", the best thing anyone has ever told me was,"Well, look who she married."
I am not saying your not a nice person, or anything, I was throwing off on my self. However, I want you to understand men can be very selfish and stubbron. By what I read he is very controlling and a self-centered slob.
There is no cure-all, magic potion, etc. The only thing that will get to him is "communication". Not the communication that is of the yelling state. If my wife would be mad or upset about something I do. There is a way she can tell me to do something that I could either, break my back to do it or break my back not to do it.
If you tell him what you would like (friends over, clean his junk up, a closer relationship) do so in the nicest manner you have ever thought of without ever rasing your voice. Do not ever "nag" him about cleaning his stuff up or what you want. Be overly nice to him (Kill him with kindness). If you ever feel like yelling, don't. Try the method of crying. Even if he says your being a baby or whatever. Seeing their wife cry (as long as they are not in an arguement) will get to any man.
-Take baby steps, the first step being be overly nice to him.
-The second step being, start to mention (in normal conversation, dont just blurt it out.) the things you would like
(About his junk, don't mention he has to get rid of it, ask him if you and he can just organize it.)
-The third step, get him social with his friends/familys with encouragement (do not complain about having to see them). Then any man with half a heart would believe to let you have your time as well.
I have had the same mindset sometimes, and I have done the same things, and MANY times has it crossed my mind,"Why do I have to be the one to do everything to save my marriage when the other person is not doing anything?"
I have felt that way alot of times, and no, it didn't seem fair, however, if one of you is not going to step up and make things better, they will never get better.
Quote: If you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to get what you have always gotten.
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship built on control & guilt. You are independant & have choices so make one & follow it through. If the threat of your husband commiting suicide is stopping you from leaving your relationship then you are in desperate need of some professional counselling/advice. I know you feel trapped but you will only continue to feel this way if you continue in this situation. I am inclined to think that your wellbeing is being seriously threatened here, so forget about others & try & concentrate on doing something positive in your life just for YOU!
I give you permission to leave. You are entitled to happiness.
I don't know how you got into this situation, what the circumstances were, but I do sincerely hear you pleading for permission to get out. Don't feel guilty, you have no reason to.
It is what you want and will never be regretted once you figure out a way. It may take time, you may have to secretly save money, but once you have a goal, you will already start to feel better. Keep us posted, OK?
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