What do u think of this scary story? tell me wat u think?

One night, JJ was heading back to home from work at late night in a NY Subway. As he was waiting for the subway train to come, he had realized, there were literally no people around him or next to him waiting for the train with him. He felt all alone and kind of creepy. The train finally came and JJ got in. He sat down and relaxed off a long day and took a deep breath. He didn't feel too creeped out considering the fact there were about 4 or 5 people in the train (same section as him). He saw 2 women and a man sitting with their eyes open, not moving one hand, on the seat across from him. He also saw a man who was around 50 years old and he kept telling JJ to get off the next stop. JJ was thinking to himself, "why? why is this man telling me to get off next stop? i mean i still have long stops to go and asked him why he had to" The man replied "I am a doctor. I can tell by people's looks if they're dead or not. You see those 2 women and a man sitting right there? They're dead."

hm?

Answer:
It's actually an interesting situation. I live in the Bay Area, so imagining something like that happening on BART (our subway system) is believable. I can imagine the scene playing out in my head, but I'm seeing it as the opener to a movie as opposed to a book. I think that most authors would take more time to get to the "punchline" of the 2 people being declared dead by your doctor character. I would consider adding a little more information about JJ and his thoughts or even some details of the subway ride itself as filler with the pronouncement of your doctor as the close to your Chapter 1.

e.g.

"Thank God for the L Train," JJ sighed as he slumped into his seat on the L train. It was late - just another day in a long string of days working at Memmo's. JJ took the job as a busboy/waiter close to a year ago as a way to have some spending money during his time at Empire State University. Generally his routine took him to the A Street station around 10pm, but Geno had asked him to stay late and help with the garbage. Now he was over an hour late getting home and he didn't recognize anyone as he got on to the subway.

After riding the same train for close to a year, you get to know the folks on your route - spot some familiar faces. But tonight was different; JJ felt uneasy today for some reason, but he couldn't figure it out.

He looked around the car. There weren't as many people of the 11pm train like there were on the 10pm. He looked across the way and there were three people, two women and a man who seemed out of place. The man wore (inser description of them here)

But something just didn't seem right. They just sat there with their eyes open, staring off into space, the man with his mouth slightly open as if he were thinking about the last pizza he ate.

JJ lost himself in some thought before he realized that he was being yelled at. He turned off his iPod (describe him with the iPod and whatever he's listening to as filler earlier) and caught the last words the old man was saying.

"... I'm a doctor. I can tell by the way people look if they're dead or not. You see those people over there? They're dead. We need to get off this train, now!"

... or something like that.

I don't know. Obviously you're going to develop your own writing style as you go along. And it's not like I've written any books, so I don't consider myself an expert. (BTW, folks who live in NY, I have no CLUE what the subway system is like, so any inconsistency or coincidence in my naming of trains is completely me talking out of my a**)

I like your premise, and I'd be curious enough to see what comes next, but I want you to make me know enough of the character or the situation to want to keep reading. (I'm assuming this is the beginning of a novel or short story as opposed to the whole thing). I don't know if this critique or example was helpful, but I hope it was. Keep writing and take care!

maybe it'll scare a two year old. but not really

its kind of old ive heard it before its not a scary story so much as a shock stroy

Could be a real story, but more than likely fake.

thats not scary at all!! yd they die neway lol

whats the point?

sounds like the doctor was a murdered and he killed them doesn't make sense but i get it 2/5

ewwww. that would creep me out. but he was probably just crazy. i met a crazy person on the bus once.

It's a little weak. It has potential to be scary, but really, it needs more to it, more description so that it *feels* creepy. And keep going- what killed them? Why isn't the doctor dead? Does he stay on the train? that sort of thing.

Good start though.

Is it supposed to be true or like an urban legend? I don't think it's true-how could a doctor tell "by peoples looks" that they're dead? Why wouldn't anybody use a cell phone and call 911?

sounds like a kind of story that that elementary school girls would tell at a sleepover.

It has potential to be scary I was enjoying reading it until you stopped right there. What happens to JJ, did he make it home, or did the doctor kill him 2, assuming he killed the others. Let us know what happens, you can't tell a story without the ending.

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What do u think of this scary story? tell me wat u think?

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