What do you guys think of this poem?
I'm feeling so new
This feeling abounds me
And shines through you
This feeling inside me
Lifts up my feet
This feeling not dying
Remains concrete
This feeling builds up
The strenght inside of you
This feeling regathers
The serealness of two
This feeling around me
Helps remold whats true
This feeling deep inside me
Inspires you
Answer:
How do you know that the feeling builds up strength in the other person? Lines 9-10 How is this shown? How do you know that the "feeling deep inside me inspires you"? Lines 15-16 I just don't get the feel for the feeling. Remember "show" don't "tell."
Now if the other person's feelings built strength in you and inspired you then it would feel powerful. And there might be something to it.
Images your poem created:
I imagined a girl sitting on a wall just dangling her feet. Then I imagined a girl with her arms around a guy and then it just went to a big void and I felt like the girl was trying to feel self-important. I ended up feeling like I was eating milk and cookies or cold cereal. Decent tidbits, but not really that satisfying when you are really hungry. Even though there was "feeling" and the word "feeling" everywhere, I never really got the "feel" for the writer's feeling.
Around me
so new
abounds me
shines
through you
inside me
lifts up my feet
not dying
remains concrete
builds up
regathers
reflecting the surrealness of two
remolding whats true
deep inside you
this feeling
inspires me
I took your poem and cropped and cut a bit here and there. Got rid of a lot of nouns and relied on your verbs--those little worker bee words. I hope you don't think I totally destroyed it. I did not mean to. Just wanted to "show" you another approach to your work. The rhyme scheme is changed you will note--I'm not against rhyming--I'm just not really big on being held to the notion of having to rhyme. Even so, I think it has a flow to it. :) Experiment a little with line breaks. Poems really can read quite differently depending on the line breaks.
I'd really like to read more of your stuff. And I hope you enjoyed my creative writing workshop critique.
i think its very well thought through. good use of vocabulary. and it nice.
Its so cute:)
I like your poem. It reflects much thought and personal meaning.
Thank you for sharing.
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